As is habit I walk. Bare back. 8 kilometers. 32 degrees above freezing. I call it "heat resistance training".
1 kilometer. Going strong, I keep my back straight and monitor my pace.
2 kilometer. I take a sip from my drink. A quarter done.
3 kilometer. 4 kilometer. 5 kilometer. All is well. Heart rate high, sweat normal.
6 kilometer. Water is finished. Mind thirst and adjust accordingly next week.
7 kilometer. Hands swell. Clench fists. Noticeable blood pumps. Heat Exhaustion imminent.
8 kilometer. Training done.
Why do I do this?
I force down more water, its' nauseating but I need it. Dazed and dizzy I stumble my way through
a shower and then lie in bed. I turn on my television. The man on screen talks about existential
ideas. Ideas of free will and its' enteral tension with predestination that a seaming deterministic
world suggests. Ideas of determinism in its' basic form. Ideas of time, and future, and past, and
present, all laid out on a plane as if one was outside our four dimensional universe.
What is the point?
The man speaks clearly. I like his beard. His words demand thought, reflection, sincerity. I am but
a sponge, I soak in syllables — placing them into the corners of my mind where my consciousness
mere moments in the future can process and understand them. I am but too dazed for instantaneous
understanding.
Is anyone ever un-dazed? Can we ever see clearly?
The video ends. I perform my due diligence, leave a like, move on. I click on another bearded man. This man tells me things I already know. There is diversity in belief. No two moments are the same. I understand. I close my eyes, the man's voice is nice. It is dark. Dark. Faded voice.
Dark. Darkness. UNKNOWN.
Eyes open. No light. Slowly, there is light. I turn over. I had slept.
Why did I wake up?
I didn't want to wake up.
Should I be sorry?